


33 Days

by StormBerryMC



Series: Musical Sadness [3]
Category: Be More Chill - Iconis/Tracz
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Depression, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Gen, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Isolation, Michael-centric, Sad Michael, Suicidal Thoughts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-24
Updated: 2017-12-24
Packaged: 2019-02-19 20:58:04
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,880
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13132062
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/StormBerryMC/pseuds/StormBerryMC
Summary: Jeremy never saw Michael for those weeks when he had the squip. He didn't see the tears, he didn't see the desperation, he didn't see his friend slowly fall apart, and he didn't see the darkness that Michael was slowly giving himself up to.





	33 Days

**Day 1**

Michael looked around, searching for his friend. After Jeremy had ditched him at the mall yesterday, he couldn’t wait to chew him out for it… And find out why he left. Michael eyes continued to scan the hallway, before he finally spotted Jeremy entering through the front door.

He walked up to his friend and waved at him, but Jeremy didn’t seem to notice. Confused, Michael walked closer until he was right beside Jeremy, but he just kept on walking as if he wasn’t even there.

“Jeremy, what’s going on?” Michael finally asked, exasperated. Jeremy didn’t even react, and Michael was just getting more confused.

Michael continued to follow Jeremy until he got to his first class. He walked in, and Michael was left standing in the doorway, looking a little lost. After getting a few weird looks from the other students already there, Michael pretended like everything was normal by shrugging and walking away.

It wasn’t until the end of the day that Jeremy acknowledged him.

“Michael? Where have you been all day?” Jeremy asked, looking surprised.

Now this made Michael a little angry, as he had practically been going crazy trying to figure out why Jeremy could possibly be ignoring him, only for Jeremy to turn around and accuse _him_ of doing the ignoring. “Really? so, you’re not the one who’s been ignoring me?” Michael asked.

Jeremy suddenly looked confused, before focusing on something that Michael couldn’t see. After a few seconds of this, he reached the end of his rope. “What’s with you?” he said, maybe a little too loud, because Jeremy looked startled. “You’ve been acting weird ever since… since…” 

Then Michael’s eyes widened. “It worked didn’t it?”

Jeremy paused, before nodding. That was all Michael needed to get very excited.

“Jeremy, this is amazing! We gotta test it out! We gotta celebrate! We gotta… Get stoned in my basement!!!” he shouted with giddy anticipation of how much fun they could have with it.

Michael ran past Jeremy, and almost made it out of the school, when he realized that Jeremy wasn’t following him. He walked back up to Jeremy, confused. He was doing it again. Focusing on something that didn’t seem to be there.

“Jeremy, are you coming?” asked Michael, beginning to get impatient.

Then, Jeremy looked Michael directly in the eye, and with a look that sent shivers down his spine, said “Optic nerve blocking… On.” With that, Jeremy turned around, and walked away, leaving Michael in the dust.

**Day 2**

“Jeremy come on, talk to me.”  
“Why won’t you even look at me?”   
“I don’t understand why you’re doing this!”   
“Oh come on! You can talk to Rich and Jake, but not me?!”   
“Great, now people are looking at me like I’m stalking you, come on man!

**Day 3**

“Jere… I’m sorry if I did something to make you ignore me… Whatever it is, I promise I’ll never do it again… If you just talk at me, or even look at me!”

**Day 4**

Michael stood in front of Jeremy, but he just turned and walked away without a glance in his direction.

“Come back…” Michael whispered, but of course, he didn’t

**Day 10**

Michael walked slowly into the school. He felt like a zombie. He had his hood pulled up, and he kept his head down. The music that played through his headphones drowned out everything else. He only looked up slightly when Jeremy approached, reluctantly feeling a spark of hope, but it quickly dies as Jeremy walked right on by… Just like every day.

The past weekend had probably been the longest one since he and Jeremy had first met. At first, Michael tried to keep himself busy, but eventually he found himself laying in his bed, staring up at the ceiling. He stayed like that for hours, not having the motivation to do anything else alone. It took everything in him just to go to school once the week began, but somehow, he did.

Because he had to get into college, right? He would finally be cool… But those dreams included Jeremy, they always did. All of the plans he ever had for the future had Jeremy ride by his side, or at least had him somewhere.

It was that thought that Michael was having as he sat alone at lunch, at a table in the far corner, gazing at Jeremy sitting with Jake, Rich, and Brooke.

He would have to learn how to keep those thoughts away when he was by himself, or Michael knew he wouldn’t have the strength to keep from spiraling into a very dark place.

**Day 13**

Unfortunately, Michael had forgotten to charge his iPod, so now he didn’t even have his music. He just kept his head down as he walked past Jeremy and Jake. He wasn’t able to drown out Jake asking Jeremy a question.

“Hey, didn’t you used to hang out with headphones kid?” he asked, pointing to Michael.

Michael gasped and stared at the two of them. Jake noticed Michael’s staring, and looked like he was about to say something to him, when Jeremy shrugged.   
“Uh, yeah… I mean we hung out a few times I guess, but I’m so over it.” he said, in a voice so casual, that it made Michael sick. Jeremy didn’t even seem to know that Michael was standing right there.

Jake looked from Jeremy to Michael with a look of slight concern. Even he felt awkward about Jeremy saying something like that with Michael there. Then he gave a small laugh, trying to pretend not to care. “Oh, yeah man. I know how that is.” he laughed, and the two continued to chat.

Michael backed away, and had to cover his mouth to keep from letting out a painful sob that he could feel bubbling in his chest.

**Day 17**

Michael now tried to avoid Jeremy as much as possible. He could never prevent a painful stab of pain in his heart every time Jeremy entered his field of vision. He always seemed so happy. And Michael knew that he should be glad that his friend has friends, but all he could do was selfishly think about his suffering, and he hated himself for it.

Eventually, he just couldn’t take it anymore. He decided to take drastic action. Michael walked right up to Jeremy when he was with his friends. There was no way Jeremy would ignore him in front of them. He found them at the lockers after school. Time to make his move.

“Hey Jere, how’s it going?” he asked, then internally groaning at how raspy his voice was after not using it the last few days.

Jeremy, however, didn’t acknowledge him, but instead continued to talk to Rich and Jake. Brooke glanced at Michael, then at Jeremy, but then pretended that Michael hadn’t spoken. Michael clenched his fists and reached out to grab Jeremy’s arm.

What happened next was sort of a blur.

Out of the corner of his eye, Michael saw a flash of blue light. Right before his hand made contact with Jeremy’s arm, he felt someone harshly grab his shoulder and throw him back. Michael landed on the ground with a thud and couldn’t hold back a yelp of surprise and pain.

Once the initial shock passed, Michael looked up to see Rich looming over him with an expression of rage. “Stay away from us you freak!” Rich said through clenched teeth.

Michael looked past Rich and over to Jeremy, who was laughing at something Brooke had said. Suddenly, Rich grabbed Michael’s collar and forced him into a standing position. “Hey, are you listening to me?” Rich yelled, pulling Michael so that he was right in his face. “Huh?!”

Michael squeezed his eyes shut and nodded fervently. He could feel tears coming, but he had to hold back a little longer. Crying would no doubt make it much worse. Rich let go of Michael and pushed him away. Michael staggered back a few steps before regaining his balance.

Now that he was free, Michael ran to his car and drove away. When he finally managed to make it home, he collapsed onto his bed and began to sob.

**Day 21**

Michael felt… Dead.

After days of not talking to a single person, he felt completely exhausted. He felt like he couldn’t keep his eyes open, but when he tried to go to sleep, even that luxury didn’t come.

Whether Michael was laying in bed, walking through the school hallways, or sitting in class, he felt like all of his energy had been sucked out of him. At this point, Michael wondered what the point even was of showing up to school. He just wanted… To stop.

**Day 24**

Michael figured it out. The pill, that had to be it. The pill must be doing something to Jeremy that that made him ignore Michael.

The last couple of days, Michael had been researching… certain things… when he came across a reddit post about the strangest effects pills have ever had. Some of the things were simply bizarre. It was then that Michael came to the realization that it could be the pill Jeremy took that actually caused this to happen. But, pills can’t do that, can they? Michael realized he would’ve thought Jeremy ignoring him at all was bizarre a month ago.

Since then, he’d been trying to find anything he could about this… Squip.

He came across someone who had the information he needed, and it wasn’t good. A mental hospital, couldn’t get it out, optic nerve blocking. Wait, Jeremy said that… And that was when Michael got the first glimmer of hope in weeks. Maybe it was just the pill. Once he helped Jeremy get the squip out of him, everything would be fine.

It’s okay…  
Jeremy was just being controlled…   
He didn’t mean to leave him…

Michael found out about a Halloween party at Jake’s house. This is it…

**Day 26**

“No the squip is off.”

This is it… Jeremy’s back, he can talk to him now! But he had to save his feelings of relief until later. “I need to talk to you about that.”

…It didn’t go like he planned…

“Get out of my way… Loser.”

Jeremy wasn’t under the squip’s control when he said that. He said that completely on his own.

And then at school, everything was back to… The new normal.

Michael was alone. And there was no drug he could blame for his own inadequacy.

**Day 30**

Michael began burning the things that reminded him of Jeremy. He had a box that had previously been one of his most prized possessions, but now he watched, mesmerized, as they burned. For a moment, he wondered how it would feel to put his hand right into the flame, but decided against it… For now.

Suddenly, he heard someone calling his name. Wait, what? Was there anybody left who even still knew his name? Michael gaze fell on an older looking man approaching him.

Michael left almost outside of his body, as he often did these days, but recognized Jeremy’s father. What did he want?

A few minutes later, Michael was heading to the hospital to see Rich, hoping he would have some information about squips. More specifically, how to get them out. Long story short, Jeremy’s father had come to ask Michael to help Jeremy. Honestly, it didn’t take much convincing. After all, it wasn’t like Michael had much else left.

**Day 33**

Michael sat in class, distracted by thoughts as usual. However, instead of the dark suffocating thoughts that he wouldn’t wish upon anyone, he thought about how crazy the last couple days had been. Even after the squip incident at the play, which Michael had to take some credit for. Jake had texted him that weekend to chat. It was crazy!

He just said that everyone was doing fine, and Jeremy was asking about him. Michael wasn’t sure if he believed that, but he did feel a pang of regret for not coming to see Jeremy in the hospital. Jake had texted him that morning to tell him that several of the squipped students were returning to school, including Jeremy.

Michael had debated how to respond to that, but eventually decided to text, “What about you?”

Soon after, Jake replied “Nah, me and Rich will both be out of commission for awhile. Come see me sometime, it’s soooooo boring here!”

Michael had given a half smile at that, but then shot him a quick “K, Lol” before getting ready for school.

And now here he was, sitting in class. Once the lunch bell finally rang, Michael got up, and went to the cafeteria. Within a few minutes, he sat at his new usual table in the corner with an apple, which he honestly had no intention of eating. Instead, he laid his head in the arms on table.

Michael felt his thoughts beginning to drift when someone approached, but he was too exhausted to lift his head.

“…Michael?”

At that voice, Michael’s head shot up in utter disbelief. He was suddenly face to face with Jeremy. Michael’s mouth opened, but he couldn’t think of anything to say.   
Jeremy looked a little nervous. “Um… It’s great to see you again.” he muttered. “Thank you again… For everything you did at the play.”

Michael nodded, almost feeling dazed. Jeremy looked like he was trying to think of something else to say.

“How are you?” he finally asked. “I mean… Are you doing okay over here?”

Michael shrugged. “I’m kind of used it by now…” he said quietly.

Jeremy’s face looked slightly pained at this. “Well, you can eat with me and everyone else at the table over there.” he said, pointing to a table where Brooke, Chloe, and Jenna sat.

Michael sighed. “No thanks…” he said, looking away.

There was a few seconds of silence, before he heard Jeremy move from where he had been previously standing. Michael looked to see Jeremy heading back over to the cool kid’s table. He nodded to himself and put his head back down, wondering if he should just skip next period and go home…

Suddenly, Michael felt the table shift, and looked up wearily to see Jeremy sitting across from him. “Sorry, I had to tell them I was gonna sit with you.” he said.

Michael stared at him, not knowing what to say. But Jeremy was looking at him with an odd expression, and he couldn’t figure out what it was.

“Is that your lunch?” Jeremy asked.

Michael looked down at the apple he hadn’t planned on eating, and shrugged. “I just haven’t been very hungry lately.” he said, trying to sound casual, but the weariness in his voice made it sound much worse.

Jeremy furrowed his eyebrows and frowned. “Michael…” he started

“I’m fine Jeremy.” Michael interrupted, trying to keep his voice steady. Jeremy paused, and then nodded, accepting his statement for the moment.

“Are you excited about the new Star Wars movie?” asked Jeremy.

Michael nodded. “I haven’t seen it yet, but I want to see it soon.”

“Me too!” said Jeremy, sounding excited. “I already have a list of predictions for what’s gonna happen.” he pulled out his phone to bring up what was presumably his theory notes.

Michael really did try to listen to Jeremy, but his current mental state caused his thoughts to wander. Next thing he knew, Jeremy was snapping his fingers in Michael’s face.

“Sorry.” Jeremy said, moving his hand away. “Your eyes were getting unfocused, and uh… Your arm.” he pointed to Michael’s arm.

Michael looked down and saw that he had been scratching at his wrist without realizing it. He didn’t break the skin, but it was slightly red. Michael clenched his shaking hand and looked at Jeremy, blushing. “Sorry…” he muttered.

“What’s going on Michael?” asked Jeremy, looking even more concerned now.

Michael sighed, and said very softly, “I’m just… Not used to people talking to me anymore.”

“What?” Jeremy said, barely hearing him.

“I’M NOT USED TO BEING ACKNOWLEDGED AND SPOKEN TO ANYMORE” Michael said loudly. His voice cracked and he failed to hold back a sob.

Jeremy stared at Michael, looking horrified. Michael stood up and ran out of the cafeteria. He soon found himself on the bathroom floor, desperately trying to control his breathing. _Seems familiar…_

Barely a minute passed before Jeremy walked in and sat beside him. Once Michael had calmed down a bit, he looked up.

“I felt so alone Jere…” he cried. “It took everything out of me just to get out of bed every day. I had _nothing_ left!”

Jeremy hugged Michael, and began to cry. “I am SO sorry Michael. I never thought about how much I was hurting you, and then I said things to hurt you intentionally. I’d give anything if I could take it all back, but I can’t. I’m… sorry.”

Michael grabbed onto Jeremy’s arms and held on tightly. He continued to cry.

“Can we…” Michael said softly. “Can we ever go back to the way we were before?”

Jeremy hesitated. “You really want to? I mean, after everything I…”

Michael nodded. “I missed you.”

Jeremy sighed with relief. “Me too.”


End file.
